Letter from Hiram Abiff on a Troublesome Count

Dear Worshipful Brother Damien

טקסט ברכות אחוה or fraternal greetings. 

One of the most troublesome people that we have up here is Most Super Self Important Brother Count Monte Cristo and you have made it worse by promoting the Royal Order of Zorro (ROZ) on your website. 

You have members of the Order of Monte Cristo in your midst but their membership of course is sworn to secrecy.  It is a treat to see them in their special costume of a French Nobleman of the period with wide brimmed hat with plumes and elevated sabots (and I do not want any sexist comments please), particularly as most are overweight.  The dress is consistent with the frippery of these special Orders as distinct from the humility of a simple apron for the Freemasonry that I endorse.  Members are dubbed “Count” and addressed as “Noble Brother” and the head of the Order in each Province such as the State of Victoria is dubbed “Duke” and addressed as “Your Grace”. 

I understand the Order’s degrees are based on the imprisonment of the Count, his release and his fortune and his retribution. 

Membership of the Order is by invitation only but to be asked you have to a 33 Degree member of the AASR, GM of KTs and so on.  The option to pay for dispensation to join also exists (how else can these skinflints pay for their caviar and Armagnac?).  

The Order’s lesson is that all human wisdom is based on the principles of wait and hope and this is fine but what annoys me is that there is nothing really masonic about it and my name is used yet again without my authority.  However it would take some pressure off me from the Count if you published the details of his Order.  I am sure that some well known brothers who are members will give you the information. 

It seems to me that you have a plethora of so called “higher” degrees that are simply the work of playwrights of the late 1700s and 1800s.  They detract from real masonic teaching of my days and seem to mainly serve to keep the idle amused and feel important.  You do not hear of much if any Christian charity in your Christian Orders. 

So stop all this nonsense and get on with the freemasonry dealing with the secrets that I died for or I will have a word with St Peter and you will never get through the Gate.   

Shalom Aleichem

חירם